Why we overgive and find it so hard to receive
Feel as though you give and give yet receive little in return? Here’s a story about intimacy, gender and nervous system patterning that may shed some light on why.
I spent most of my life in relationships (and I use that word loosely) with men. My sex education came courtesy of movies, magazines and the porn industry. So it’s unsurprising that I grew up thinking that sex was something men wanted, and women endured.
It wasn’t until I started sleeping with women that I realised I could enjoy the pleasure of simply RECEIVING
Without expectation of giving in return
Without owing anything
Without guilt
Without thinking “am I taking too much?”
It was a REVELATION.
We’ve been conditioned as women to not take too much.
Don’t take up space
Don’t talk so loud
Don’t have inconvenient opinions
Don’t wear that
Don’t go there
Don’t say that
I used to try everything to shrink myself down and not be seen.
I did the obvious: dieting so my physical body might fit into what I believed men wanted (whoops, could have saved myself A LOT of time there…)
I kept quiet in meetings at the progressive think tank I worked at after graduation (even though my ideas were wonderful!).
I denied compliments, refused to celebrate successes, felt uncomfortable with praise, and feared putting my prices up.
It was when I discovered somatic work that everything clicked.
When I realised just how much space all that trauma, all those toxic thoughts, all those old stories and conditioning were taking up and started to soften it all.
That’s when I learned how to really RECEIVE.
Receiving as a daily nervous system expansion practice
There are practical tools we can use to expand our capacity to receive and, when we practise them every day, they can have a profound impact on everything from our energy levels, to our bank balance.
Here are three of my favourite tools for expanding your nervous system capacity to receive:
P.A.R.E
Allowing whatever energy and feeling wants to move through me via dance, movement, yoga, walking, shaking, tapping...
Pause - Stop to notice how you feel
Acknowledge - And accept what’s present right now without judgement
Regulate - Choose to receive the medicine of a somatic, regulating tool/practice
Expand - Notice any space you've created
2. Practice accepting compliments and gifts with gratitude
I often say that how we receive in one area of life is often how we receive in all areas. Truly, receiving is receiving is receiving.
So if you find it challenging when a friend compliments your haircut, or when someone offers to buy you a coffee, you can bet this pattern will be showing up in other areas like money and business too.
3. Celebrating
This practice is incredible for helping us SEE our Inner Gold and claim it fully.
This isn't about how you're received by others, but about how the experience feels for YOU.
Celebrations and brags help us learn to take up space, to feel good when you talk about pride, confidence, and accomplishments, and witnessing other bragging helps with sisterhood wounds, and it shows us “if she can do it, I can too”. It can also brings awareness to our triggers so we can witness what's underneath.
Big brags, small brags, ALL brags welcome.
And brag and celebrate the same things as many times as you like. I'll never stop celebrating being sober!
These are just three of the tools I share inside The Superbloom Experience, my intimate group container where we learn to be seen and receive through working with our nervous systems. Join the waitlist here.
Love
Tamsin x